2008-02-29 12:00  

Once upon a time in Nice, France…I helped write a terrible action movie that starred an ex-basketball player. He was as bad at acting as he was as good at hoops. His acting coach actually told us with great pride that he had recently taught the star how to walk and talk at the same time – but he couldn´t actually walk and talk and "act" at the same time. He assured us he would have him up and running by the time the movie started filming. Unfortunately, he was wrong. The basketball stars performance was as stiff as the performances in the wonderfully entertaining "Beowulf".

The performances in Beowulf are stiff because the dude who directed it (same dude who directed the classic "Back to the Future") uses this weird ass totally modern technique where he films the movements of the actors digitally and then uses that as a basis for the animated characters. Why does he hire people like Anthony Hopkins and Angelina Jolie and then only use an animated form of them? So he can make totally kick ass action scenes the likes of which you´ve never seen before. If you don´t believe me, just check out the opening scene where the freakishly disgusting monster (played by the same genius who played McFly´s dad in "Future") literally rips a man in half and then starts killing other men with the dead man’s bleeding torso. Now that´s entertainment.

Watch this movie.

Was this review useful? Click the thumbs.

 

 

3 Votes

2008-08-20 12:06  

Once upon a time in Austin, Texas…

I was in a movie with Mathew Fox, Renee Zellweger, Matthew McConaughey and Philip Seymour Hoffman. All of them have become incredibly rich and famous. Two of them have even gone on to win Academy Awards.

Naturally I am incredibly jealous of all their trophies and cash. But there was another talented man that worked on that movie that I am way more ...
Läs recension

2008-08-20 12:04  

Once upon a time in Austin, Texas…

I was in a movie with Mathew Fox, Renee Zellweger, Matthew McConaughey and Philip Seymour Hoffman. All of them have become incredibly rich and famous. Two of them have even gone on to win Academy Awards.

Naturally I am incredibly jealous of all their trophies and cash. But there was another talented man that worked on that movie that I am way more ...
Läs recension

2008-08-13 12:17  

Once upon a time in Toronto, Canada..

A script I co-wrote was made into an actual movie. Too bad that movie totally sucked. Except for the scene I was in. Seriously. Ask my parents.

The same guy who produced that movie and won an Academy Award for producing a short movie called "Ryan" (an animated documentary about some fucked up drunk Canadian animator) and produced the god ...
Läs recension

2008-05-15 12:00  

Which of these 2 flicks sounds like it’s more likely to make you laugh?
"My Boyfriend’s Back" - A hopelessly romantic boy returns from the dead as a Zombie just so he can go to the high school dance with the girl of his dreams.
OR
"The Hunting Party" - A discredited war journalist tries to redeem his career by hunting down a big time Bosnian war criminal responsible for ...
Läs recension

2008-04-23 12:00  

Once upon a time at the Paramount Studios in lovely Hollywood, California…I was so nervous before a big audition I actually barfed in the parking lot. Not to brag, but it wasn´t my style to go around vomiting in parking lots just because I was nervous about an audition. So what made this one so special? It was for an incredibly talented director (Neil Jordan) who made movies that relied heavily ...
Läs recension

2008-04-10 12:00  

Once upon a time in Hollywood, California… I used to act in a lot of crap ass movies. But along the way I actually managed to work with quite a few people who went on to be Academy Award winners. Like those total hack losers, Damon and Affleck. Or that squinty-eyed blonde who tries too hard to convince us that she’s being emotionally honest in every scene she’s in, Renee Zelweeger. And that ...
Läs recension

2008-04-03 12:00  

Once upon a time in Hollywood, California - I was the only white actor on a black sit-com called "A Different World".
And the only thing more lame than my lame attempts at acting were my incredibly lame (and possibly racist) attempts at fitting in with the all black cast by talking about how I thought Halle Berry was smokin’ hot and rapping lines from "Niggaz 4 Life".
The ...
Läs recension

2008-04-02 12:00  

This is the quote at the beginning of the “The Butterfly Effect” - “It has been said something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wing can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world.”

Very interesting thought. So interesting it got me to thinkin’ - why does something as big as “The Butterfly Effect” ultimately cause me to fall asleep halfway through watching ...
Läs recension

2008-03-20 12:00  

A long time ago I was in a flaming turd of a movie that starred the guy from "The Blue Lagoon". We filmed this little gem on a soundstage next to the soundstage where Jack "U can’t handle the truth!" Nicholson was directing the sequel to one of the greatest films in history - “Chinatown”. One day, when I was waiting to film my oh so original line "Operator! Get me ...
Läs recension

2008-03-12 12:00  

People keep asking me if I really kicked Bruce Willis’s ass in the “Color Of Night”. Why in the world would I lie about being in a major motion picture suck fest? Yes. I kicked his ass. And while me and the Bruce-ster were filming the scene, I also kicked his toupee right off his head. Now we all know Mr. Willis is part of the bald boys club - but did you know that Mr. John “Pulp ...
Läs recension

2008-02-29 12:00  

Once upon a time in Hollywood, California…
I kicked Bruce Willis's ass. It was in a movie called "Color Of Night".
That movie sucked.
"1408" doesn't. Far from it. It's co-written by the guys who created "The Matrix", adapted from a story that was written by the guy who wrote" The Shining" and directed by some Swedish dude who had a movie nominated for ...
Läs recension